PERSONAL NOTES:Alone in the Desert

<accesscontrol>Baelwren</accesscontrol>

Alone in the Desert

Year of the Sun 1236 Bounty 19

Harvest Day

I watched the sun rise over the sands so I could enjoy the rich colors of the desert morning. That is the feast I give myself today. I wanted to see the unspoiled desert before I return to civilization. I am entering Hotempa today. I have been wandering in the desert for three months between Haven and Hotempa trying to work up my nerve.

I haven’t spent any time in a place where it wasn’t acceptable to be what I am in over twelve years. Even though the Al’Hamzah taught me how to hide my true nature this will be a great test for me. If I make a mistake here it means I will be put to death. Twelve years ago I prayed for that. With Zafar I took my chances but I knew I had the Family near if I needed them. Now there is nothing. Only my own senses and skills can protect me now.

I know I was doing the right thing when I left Haven but I still get scared. If I were still with my people I’d be in my mother’s home for many more years. I’d be learning all of the womanly duties of an adult elf. I would still have my virtue. I wouldn’t be anywhere close to thinking of wandering on my own. None of the women in my family adventured. Except maybe my Grandmother. I still don’t know where she came from. And here I am only twenty-five and getting ready to enter Hotempa alone after three months alone in the desert.

I accept what I am but the simple girl in me still rebels against it at times. I should be feasting in a sunny glade in my forest, not standing in the desert sands eating the last of my staples and deciding whom I should manipulate first. But that is my life. And all my prayers to ORB cannot change it now.

Year of the Sun 1236 Penitence 31

I have been in Hotempa a little over three months. The first few days were a little difficult while I figured out what to do. Thankfully I overheard a local merchant, Aban Abdul-Rafi, who needed help with his books. He was very excited to have an elf for the job. They don’t see very many of my kind around here. He felt that it would help to further his social standing and make him appear more important.

The desert isn’t exactly an elf’s favorite place. Unfortunately it also makes people curious about why I’m out here. Thank ORB they cannot tell how truly young I am. I tell them that all elves of about 100 get the urge to see the world outside their forests. It’s just that most don’t go to the desert because it is so far removed from the trees. So far the story has worked well.

Keeping books for Aban is rather dull however. I think I should have continued to portray a bard. The problem is most of the songs I know wouldn’t be very well accepted here. I am used to performing for people in Haven where so much more is acceptable. But I have been trying to learn all I can from the local bards and the general feeling of the people here. I don’t want to be keeping books for long.

It is the eve of a New Year in the Sun and I pray that it finds me well and undiscovered. The last year has assuredly been the most challenging. I hope I do not face trials of that level in the upcoming year. I would like to have rest for a while.

Giving my body to a man I could not tolerate should have been enough. Killing him was a need I should never have felt. Bearing him to the ground with my knife in his heart and his blood flowing over me was not the payment I deserved. And the gratification and loss I felt were so wrong. I know the last year will forever taint my spirit but I am determined to move on from that in the years to come. This year is a clean slate and I will do my best to keep it untainted.

Year of the Sun 1237 Harmony 26

I have been working for Aban for half of a year and he is just as dull as always. But, he is a good man with a good heart. It has been kind of nice being a simple bookkeeper. It gives me a chance to study people without making them suspicious. This has been very good.

Aban has asked me to accompany Aswad, a very unscrupulous caravan master, to get some goods he wants to purchase. He wants me on hand to negotiate with the merchant on the other end. He feels I can negotiate a better deal then his “trusted” employee because I tend his books. I’m glad he trusts me. I just wish he had asked me to do this because he knew Aswad was cheating him. He truly thinks Aswad just doesn’t negotiate well.

Now I get to go with him, endure his leers, and prove to Aban that Aswad cannot be trusted. And crush another man’s faith in his companions. It seems to be the one thing I truly excel at. While I don’t like being in the role so often I know it must be done. My only hope is that if the day comes that I have trusted companions there is someone like me to expose them if they are unfaithful.

Year of the Sun 1237 Fidelity 20

It has been three months since I struck out across the desert with Aswad. Just as I knew he would, he made advances at me the whole journey. I couldn’t deny him too strongly. I had to let him think there was a chance in order to keep him docile and unsuspecting while I tried to get his secrets. And as usual I succeeded.

It seems he negotiates just fine. He had been doctoring the ledgers he turned in to me. He would negotiate for the best possible price and buy the goods with poor Aban’s money and then sell part of the goods to another merchant. Aban always gets good leads on the most exotic merchandise and Aswad was benefiting from it. He was taking the information, getting extra goods, and then selling them at one hundred percent profit to other merchants. He got himself a nice bonus that way.

It gave me great pleasure to catch him at his treachery. He thought I was just a pretty face with a good head for numbers. He couldn’t have been more wrong. He should have known Aban wouldn’t have me go on this task if I didn’t have some other skills. Of course, Aban didn’t know that I was going for my own reasons, to catch Aswad in the act. But it is done now and Aswad has been turned over to the desert authorities for their form of justice. At least I didn’t have to kill him. That will be someone else’s task this time.

Year of the Sun 1238 Fidelity 20

It has been another year. So far it has been mainly uneventful. I have continued to work for Aban. I handle all of his more delicate negotiations now. After the incident with Aswad last year he wants to be sure he can trust whoever he has working for him. After I turned in Aswad he decided I was the most trust-worthy person he knows.

Because of my trust-worthiness and sense of Right he has me interview all of his potential associates. If anyone plans on dealing with Aban in any way they have to be approved by me first. It has made for moments of interest but nothing very note-worthy. The occasional merchant or desert guide gets a little ruffled at dealing with an outsider and a woman at that. Double taboo. But in the end they ALL deal with me to get to Aban.

Aban is quickly becoming a much respected merchant. His deliveries are always delivered on time and intact. I imagine in a few years, if all continues well, he will be the most reputable merchant in Hotempa. I’ll have to see what his sons do with the business in the years to come.

Year of the Sun 1243 Fidelity 21

I told Aban a few weeks ago that I would be leaving him. He was at a loss. I think he felt that I would be with him for the rest of his days. I told him the wanderlust had struck me again and I needed to break loose. Amazingly he understood. I agreed to stay awhile longer to teach someone to help him as I do.

I went about the task of finding him a replacement for myself. It was a tedious task and my early prospects proved to be insufficient. I wanted to find someone for Aban who would be faithful and loyal as I had been. I was beginning to think I would never find a replacement when I ran into an urchin in the market.

I had interviewed yet another unworthy candidate. I decided to go to the market to find anything to peak my interest. I rounded a corner and found myself a street urchin with his hand in my robes trying to get my purse. He was shocked when I grabbed him and thrust him on the ground. At first I thought him just a boy. He was really a young man, not quite grown all the way. As I held him there I sensed in him honesty and innocence. I was amazed. I let him up but held him.

As I stood I held his gaze. I made sure his eyes were locked with mine. He tried to pull away. I held fast, staring him down until he stilled. Then I told him he could earn the gold he had tried to unsuccessfully steal from me. His eyes grew in wonder. I could tell he believed the words I said while disbelieving they could be true. Rather than arguing with him I held his hand and turned away, dragging him with me.

As I approached the door to Aban’s home I turned the boy-man to me. He still had a look of shock. I had brought him to an area of nice homes and influence. I told him then that I would be turning him over to a good friend of mine and he better not disappoint me.

I knocked on Aban’s door and waited. A servant opened the door and recognized me immediately. I was shown into a receiving room. The boy was nervous and uneasy. I told him to sit and wait quietly.

In a few moments Aban came in to see me with a smile on his face. He looked a little puzzled when he saw the boy. I, as always, stood to great him with a smile. I told him I wanted him to take in this wayward boy for a while. He looked puzzled but willing to do what I said. He took the boy out and had him delivered to his Goodwife.

When he returned I told him I wanted him to treat the boy well, to feed him and cloth him as if he were a son of the house. I also told him to find out how much education the boy had. I asked him to give me an update in one week and to please learn the boy’s name and origin.

It has now been three weeks and the boy does well. His name is Kelthis LuDrake and he was from Velora. It seems his family came to Hotempa to find wealth. Shortly after arriving they perished in a mysterious “accident”. Kelthis has been alone since then trying to scrape by. He didn’t have enough money to travel back to Velora. He was amazed at the work I offered him because no one would aid him before. They didn’t believe his story and wouldn’t give a boy a job that could earn him a true living. Thankfully he wasn’t a very good pick pocket.

Now I will take him under my wing until he has grown to the rest of his maturity. He can read and write well. His parents were of a merchant class prior to their death and educated him appropriately. His three weeks with Aban and his family have given Kelthis respect and admiration for him.

Year of the Sun 1246 Jewel 1

Today I turned over my position to Kelthis. He has come a long way in the time he has been with me. I have had him at my side since he came to train with me. He ate when I ate and slept when I slept. He got off hours when I got off hours. I gave him freedom but made sure he understood he must obey the laws of this society if he was to remain with Aban and myself. I groomed him as if he were one of my own. I expected excellence from him and that is exactly what he gave me. He is a very sober young man.

He was stunned when I turned over my house and all of my staff to him. I told him I had no need for any of it any longer. There were two requests I made of him however. One was to maintain the staff I currently had and the other was to provide me a place to stay when I came to Hotempa as long as he was in residence. He quickly agreed and thanked me profusely.

I am very proud of him. I know he could tell I had a secret. But he never said a word. I know he would have if I had been a danger to Aban. No matter how much respect he had for me he knew that Aban was more important. I instilled that in him every day. I wanted to be sure I left behind no misguided faith in me. If ever I was discovered I didn’t want these people to pay for it.

Now, with the Sunrise I venture out to the desert again. I have been too long in the cities. I plan to travel to the gates of Haven and send a message with the first party to enter. I have come across knowledge for the Family. I think the Father will appreciate what I have for him.

I discovered an ambitious merchant who is trying to get an “agent” into Haven. He is hoping to begin an illegal trade of magic goods. As this is strictly controlled, I don’t want just anybody in Haven getting to this fellow. I am taking his description and intent to the Family. They can decide what is to be done about this upstart.

The parting with Aban went well. He is pleased with Kelthis and thankful for the time I gave him. The business thrives. He offered me supplies and gold for my journey. I denied them. He wasn’t happy about that but I told him I turned over all of my holdings to Kelthis and only took what I needed. In the end he accepted my decision. A nomad needs little after all.

Year of the Sun 1246 Harmony 7

I took my time getting to Haven. There was no need to rush. I have camped within sight of the city. I am waiting now for someone to enter so I can give them my message. It is tempting to go in. But I know that would be a waste of my gift. I do not need to enter now. As yet this is not my last bastion of hope.

Year of the Sun 1246 Harmony 10

A merchant caravan arrived last night. They made camp to await the dawn and the revelation of Haven. I approached cautiously and asked to speak with the master. They seemed a little surprised to see an elf out here but lead me to him. They told me the masters’ name was Husam al Din (Sword of the Faith).

He was beautiful. That was my first thought. He was dark and tall and muscular. I think my time among the humans has tainted my tastes. But his eyes were so blue. Like ice. And they lit up with interest when he saw me.

I introduced myself as Ruque and gave a slight bow. I explained that I was a messenger but was reluctant to enter the city. I had heard strange things and was uncomfortable entering there, a woman alone. I asked if I could hire one of his staff to deliver a message for me when they entered the city. I explained that I had already delayed too long and needed to get back to my masters.

It was easy to appear nervous. This man made me nervous. He looked powerful and radiated that power from his very soul. I knew he was trying to read me. I prayed ORB would not let him detect the lie I told and cleared mind. I reached for Samadhi to help me blank my mind and calm my racing heart. I held my eyes to his as he looked inside me.

He told me he would be glad to have one of his servants deliver the message if I would stay and dine with him. I accepted the offer but insisted on performing for him and his men for payment for my meal and delivery of the message.

I sang for his men and then he had me dine privately with him. I was surprised at this but made no comment. Husam was a very interesting dinner companion. It seems his family had been coming here to provide goods for the spring equinox celebration for many years.

When the meal ended we shared a drink and spoke a while longer. When I tried to bid him good night he insisted I stay with his camp. I tried to make excuses but he would have none of it. He took my hand in his, looked into me and asked me to stay.

I don’t know what was wrong with me but I stayed. The whole night, in his bed. I couldn’t deny him. And it has been so many years since I had a lover. After Zafar I wanted no man to touch me. But this human made me want to be touched. He made me remember what it is to be cherished, if only for a moment.

He tried to get me to stay when the dawn came. I told him no, that I had to get back. He was insistent. Again I said no and reminded him of his deal to deliver my message. He said he would deliver it personally if I would join him in Hotempa after Harmony. I told him I would try. He didn’t like that but he accepted it.

Year of the Sun 1246 Harmony 17

Husam left Haven today. I watched from a distance as his caravan went past. Just as I watched a week ago when Waseem left the gates looking for me. I knew he would. There was always a part of him that was deeply caring. I knew he would want to know how I was. That was the other reason I stayed away from the city. I wanted to keep myself separate from Waseem and the life he had found with his wife that I could never have. He would feel guilt and I didn’t want that.

So I watched him as he searched the area for me. I’m glad now that I have spent so much time in the desert. He was unable to find me and returned to Haven none the wiser of my location or welfare. I only hoped the Family would pass word to Master Laughing Crane that I was well and still living.

And now I watch Husam as he travels back to Hotempa. I want to see how his people are around him. The night I was with them they appeared to have great respect for him but I wanted to be sure. I wanted to see what kind of man he is when there wasn’t someone to impress.

Year of the Sun 1246 Steel 5

I joined Husam today. We are still a long way from Hotempa. I told him I sent word to my employers with a passing caravan that their message had been sent. He was glad to see me and had arrangements made to have me quartered with him for the duration of the journey. I told him I would stay at least that long.

After watching him the last few weeks I could tell he was an honest and fair man. When I rested I visualized his eyes in my mind. I could imagine the feel of his skin against mine. I want this little time with him.

Year of the Sun 1246 Fidelity 21

I have spent the last months with Husam. All they have done is filled me with longing. Traveling under an assumed identity for this long has grated on my nerves. I wanted to tell him so badly who I really was but I didn’t dare. I knew this would end soon. I can’t take my chances for very long. If I continued to stay with him eventually I would slip and he would know I am someone, something else, an arcanist.

I couldn’t stand it if he knew. I don’t think he would execute me. He has an open mind because of his dealings in Haven. But I don’t think he could abide having one of my ilk in his bed. Outside of Haven he would be put to death for knowing me. I couldn’t have that either. So today I left.

When I rose this morning I kissed his brow and left a note. It explained that Ruque means Lost Dream and that is what he needed to consider this relationship. I left it unsigned, unwilling to sign a false name. I hope he doesn’t look for me.

I have returned again to the desert. I’m traveling for one of the many oases I know of. I think I can bide my time for a few months while I regroup.

Year of the Sun 1250 Bounty 20

I have spent the last years virtually as a hermit. There was a caravan in my oasis yesterday. They invited me to dine with them. I shared spices and my entertainment with them. I was glad of the invitation. It is not good for the elf soul to be alone for this long. I think I will return to Hotempa very soon. It is time to rejoin civilization.

I have determined over these years that I shouldn’t take a lover again. My time with Husam was wonderful but I can never commit. That alone is painful for me and unfair to any man I might join with. Until I can reveal what I am and be accepted I can’t be with anyone. And it is not part of my nature to take someone once without feeling. Even my one day with Waseem had deep meaning for me.

No. I will return to Hotempa but will remain aloof of men. For now they must be a tool. A means to an end. I know elves can usually take lovers indiscriminately but that is not for me. I don’t know if it is because of being orphaned or if I’m just different but that is the way I am. I’ll let them think they can have me but for now I will belong only to myself. It is the only safe thing for them and for my sanity.

Year of the Sun 1250 Penitence 31

It is Night of the Moon. I’m going to leave in the morning to return to Hotempa. I have spent the last four and a half years in this oasis. The seasons have passed slowly here. I almost lost track of the time. If it hadn’t been for a caravan that came through here again a few days ago I wouldn’t have known the new-year was almost upon me. I needed this time alone but I don’t know if it was wise for me to indulge myself for so long. There are forces stirring in the world and I should be out there to see it. I chose long ago to dedicate my life to ORB and to trying to make arcane magic safe. It is time I continued on that path. I think I will travel to Ferrodyne, the city of the Gnomes in the Iron Hills. I have heard from passing caravans that the Gnomes have a different way of looking at things in this world. I am hoping to enlighten myself in the ways of ORB and discover how those secluded little people view and deal with arcanists.

Year of the Sun 1251 Freedom 3

I have found a Halfling clan that is headed toward Ferrodyne that have agreed to let me accompany them. As payment, I sing for them and tell stories for the children. It keeps the children out from under the feet of the grown ups and keeps me entertained. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t end up with at least one of the little devils riding pony on my back.

They are adorable of course. But they remind me so much of Little Sister. I wonder where she is and how she is doing. I hope as well as I am. I miss her. She is much in my thoughts right now.