PERSONAL NOTES:...Among the Wolves

<accesscontrol>Baelwren</accesscontrol>

... Among the Wolves

Year of the Sun 1277 Prosperity 32

I have delivered the children, five in all. Again I had no fatalities. Not of children any how. I lost Darion. I never got to tell him to leave me.

We were trying to get a child in Maxaen. We got caught just outside the city. A patrol of the Order of the Sword found us. Darion told me to run with the child and he led them off. They didn’t get a good look at me and the light show I set behind me covered my escape. I took the child to the safe house and went back for Darion but it was too late.

They had pulled him to the center of town and were reading his charges. He saw me. I was going to save him. I had to try. He knew that. They had already beaten him. He was so bloody and I could tell he was in pain. As I raised a hand to begin my spell he struck at them, forcing them to kill him. I wanted to scream, to cry, to kill them all. Down to the last child who watched. But I couldn’t do anything except walk away with the rest of the crowd. The rage filled me; I almost could not find Samadhi.

I hunted down every one of those men that night. Not one of them lived to see the Dawn. I whispered a prayer and a curse over each one as I took their lives. I prayed for my forgiveness and cursed them to burn for eternity. I pray ORB heard me. It is wrong of me to take their lives; I know. If I must burn as well, so be it. But I cannot rest while so many like them exist.

Year of the Sun 1278 Jewel 1

I have been staying with Kelthis in Hotempa again. I couldn’t face any more children yet. The wound of losing Darion is still too fresh, too raw. I wanted to walk away while he was still vital and alive. He had come so far and gave his life for my cause. He had barely come to grips with what he was and what he could be. I’ve known for so long and I’ve made it my mission to know more, to be more. He went with me to help me in my Crusade. He gave his life for it. I don’t know which sacrifice is greater. He got to leave this world and doesn’t have to suffer any longer. I remain, ever keeping my memories of those who have paid with their lives for my power. Gods forgive me I don’t think I can take anymore. ORB, you saved me and gave me a new life. Can’t you take it away? I don’t want it anymore. How many more will have to die for me? Please...please!? (The paper is stained with tears in this section of the journal.)

Year of the Sun 1278 Harmony 7

Kelthis has kindly housed me during these last two months while I found myself. My previous thoughts were not as they should have been. ORB, forgive me my foolishness. I found myself plunged into darkness and forgot my training. I have mended my emotional hurts and have found Samadhi again.

After delivering the children I wandered as a lost child in the desert before I came to Kelthis. I walked in the empty sand not seeing the desert before me. There was only pain and emptiness. When my strength failed me I came to Kelthis. As he promised when I left him my home, he has kept me. When I first arrived I was not in my right mind. I didn’t take care of myself when I wandered and the desert exacted a high price. I was to far gone when I wrote the previous entry. It was true, but the thoughts are not those that I would normally entertain. I have come back to myself and to ORB.

I think, in those days in the desert, I was looking for Judgment. As I wandered my memories kept coming back to all the people who have died for my power. My family, Darion and all of the men that executed him. Even Zafar paid with his life for my power and my anger. I feel compelled again to say ORB forgive me but I cannot. I don’t know that it is right for me to ask that. I have earned an eternity of Darkness. But I will try to bring what Light I can while I live. All I ask is for the strength to carry out the mission of my life.

Year of the Sun 1278 Vigilance 30

I have a brought another group of children to safety a days ride from Haven. Getting this close makes me want to go home. It’s funny; I wonder when this hidden city in the middle of the desert became home. When I was younger all I wanted was to return to my forests and forget what I had become. Somewhere along the way these sands took the place of the trees and my Power drowned out the desire to follow my mother’s path. I would have been a cleric and now I seek knowledge of my Power and strive to be as strong as possible. Strange the turns the world takes.

Sometimes I wonder if there is a greater plan to it all. I still don’t believe that this Power is evil, only some of the people that wield it. I don’t know what the catalyst was for Malicean to want this power banished but I look for evidence in all of my research. I have come no closer however. And maybe I am wrong and he was merely insane. I cannot believe ORB wanted this.

Year of the Sun 1285 Fidelity 20

It has been 61 years since I awoke in the mud near my childhood home. The years fly by as the ever have. I escorted the children for a few years and then found a small group of people that seemed to want to find truth as I do. I was with them the last couple of years but I discovered they were just using me. They were looking to further their own power.

As I have always thought, the Power isn’t evil, only the wielder. I had to prevent them from becoming a great threat. This was the first time I used my Power to harm another. I thought I would be repelled by this act. But, while I do find it discomforting, it was necessary.

I wanted so badly to find others like me that I turned a blind eye to their faults. To belong and be valued for my Power was like the first drink of water after days in the desert. Every cell seemed to absorb and reach for the refreshment. I wanted it more than anything I have wanted in my whole life. I never realized how completely lonely I was until I met them. They filled a void and now I have come realize how dangerous that kind of thirst can be. If not taken slowly it can kill after a long thirst.

My life always comes back to the desert. I glutted myself on their companionship. I was a fool. I am only thankful that I realized what they really were before they could do someone any permanent harm. Like an oasis gone stagnant. As I would cover that oasis with sand I buried them. The desert swallows that which is not useful. ORB forgive them and guide them to a righteous path. Maybe they can find peace in the after life. I have my doubts about it but it is possible.