PERSONAL NOTES:Chapel of the Mind

<accesscontrol>Baelwren</accesscontrol>

Chapel of the Mind

Year of the Sun 1225 Freedom 21

It has been eight long months but I am here. Haven. It is a wondrous place from what I have seen. Today we were given to the Chapel of the Mind to be taught. Little Sister and I are to be separated. I told her if she began to fade again to ask them very nicely to see me. As we parted I reminded her that she promised me she would survive.

Year of the Sun 1225 Harmony 1

The training began in earnest today. Thus far it has been minor teachings with us in small groups. Most of the children take to this. They thrive on the support the others provide. So far it doesn’t seem to be helping me. I understand what they are saying, and why it is important. It just is not coming to me. That is why today I was separated. I have been sent to a different section of the Chapel to train with a new master and I am the only pupil. Hopefully this works.

Year of the Sun 1225 Steel 16

I still train with my new master but he is unhappy with my progress. They still put me to sleep at night for fear I might manifest when they do not expect it. I hear that this is unusual. They have wards in place to deal with such outbreaks but it seems I am stronger then they anticipated. I was sent to private sleeping quarters weeks ago. They fear I could hurt the others. I let them put me to sleep because of this same fear.

I am trying to learn the control they want of me but it runs from me. I still am no better than I was when Friend was teaching me. I reach out for Samadhi but...it eludes me. It’s like trying to keep the desert sand from running through your fingers. Friend said Samadhi should be like a deep pool with a smooth glass surface. The water to slake my every thirst and the knowledge to fill every aspect I desire.

Maybe I am not thirsty enough. I know not what I desire to be filled with. Master says I am trying to understand things that come later in the training. He says “Accept. Let go of all inhibitions and accept, Baelwren”. How do I do this? I have always been taught to understand what is asked of me. To understand what I ask of myself. I fear they are going to give up on me and execute me after all.

Year of the Sun 1225 Steel 26

I am still being plagued by dreams, nightmares really. I know I shouldn’t be dreaming at all. Elves do not dream. But for some reason I do. I relive my last night at home almost every time I close my eyes. When I meditate it is there and when I sleep it is there. I don’t know why this happens but it makes me want to try that much harder to learn Samadhi. These dreams have been with me since before crossing the desert. It just wasn’t as often. I was usually too tired to dream or to have conscious meditation.

Year of the Sun 1225 Chance 18

They brought Little Sister to me today in my training. This is the first time I have seen her since we entered the Chapel three months ago. She has grown. I think she is beautiful for her kind. My first thought is that she needs me. I went to her immediately. I couldn’t believe it when she held up her hand for me to stop. She really had grown. In more then just body. I could see the easy way she held herself. This was not the Little Sister that I had carried to the oasis.

Master brought her to me hoping she could help me. She had advanced faster then any of the others who came with us and those that were already here. Apparently it was because of what I had taught her. Her belief in me led her to the belief in herself. She had focused on my voice whenever she reached out for Samadhi. I was her center.

Now Master hoped I could use Little Sister as my center. He hoped I would believe now that I had seen what Samadhi could do. I tried. I worked the whole day with Little Sister. In the end, I hadn’t reached Samadhi and Little Sister was exhausted. Strong as she had become, I still was too much for her.

Year of the Sun 1225 Fidelity 10

Today was the last day they let Little Sister work with me. Tomorrow I go to another Master. Hopefully it works this time.

They still put me to sleep and keep me isolated at night. Poor Little Sister, I made her so tired. They took her away to continue her training. I made her promise again that she would survive. I told her not to be discouraged by my failure and to pursue her growth single-mindedly. She smiled at me and kept her promise.

Year of the Sun 1229 Fidelity 20

It is my birthday today. I am 18 years old. I have been in training for four years and four months. I have been through more Masters then I care to count. I have been subjected to every possible way to find Samadhi. Calm, anger, hatred, compassion, fear, and pain.

I have been showered with affection. I have been shown kindness and love. I have been taught to hate uncontrollably with all that I am. I have been made to recall every tortured moment of the night my power manifested. Recalled the fear of that night. Fear that I killed them all. Knowing I killed them all. Praying for ORB to release me. Fearing ORB and the wrath of his men.

The last resort was pain. I do not need to describe in detail what lengths they went to. I knew the whole time they were only trying to help me find Samadhi. But I bled and I cried. I was subjected to pain until I could not think. Still I could not find Samadhi. Weeks went by. They could not believe what I endured.

Master Laughing Crane came to me then. He was the one to bind me. To care for me in the dark hours where they feared they had gone too far. His was the face I awoke to and his was the voice that guided me through the dark. He became my Master today. He is my last chance. He has no power of his own and now will try to make me control mine.

Year of the Sun 1229 Prosperity 3

I have been with Master Laughing Crane for two weeks now. Until a few days ago all of my lessons had to be done in my room. My recovery was slower then I would have imagined. But Master Laughing Crane tended to my injuries every day with a gentle hand. He told me he thought my recovery was slow because he tended me. He thought I needed a healer. I told him I didn’t want anyone else to touch me. So he tended me. Now that it is done I think he wanted it that way as well.

We have formed a bond that I haven’t had with any of my previous masters. Already I can tell a difference in my progression. Even Master Laughing Crane has noted it. He said all I needed was trust.

Today we took a painful walk through Haven. I am recovering but I am still weak. This is a truly wondrous place. The Gray Guards are very impressive. It is amazing to see people fly. The Gray Guards are the only ones permitted to do so in the city. They are quite a sight.

I could never hope to describe all I saw today. It was my first real sight of Haven. When I came here over four years ago I was marched to the Chapel and have remained behind its walls since then. The Masters felt that I didn’t have enough control to come out in the general population. Master Laughing Crane had to take full responsibility for any damage I might cause.

We had a close call. I felt the Power take hold in me once. Master Laughing Crane took me under a market tent to a dim corner and talked me through the dark. With his voice as my guide I found Samadhi. After it passed I noticed people were giving us some strange looks. Master Laughing Crane said I have been the only undisciplined student outside of the Chapel since he has been here. It surprised the on-lookers.

Year of the Sun 1229 Prosperity 4

There was a change in my dreams last night. Until now the nightmare of my change has come to me most nights. Last night was different. In my dream I was standing in the vast sands under a night sky filled with stars. (This page is covered with glittering dust that is reminiscent of the stars she speaks of; oddly it does not come off when touched.)

When I looked at myself I could see the aura of my power surrounding me. It shimmered out around me in a dancing variety of color. It keeps a rhythm with the stars and with my movements, gliding with me and through me. In my dream I can feel it. It makes me happy and comforted. In this dream, for the first time, I am whole.

Year of the Sun 1229 Bounty 19

Harvest Day

It was a glorious day. I still have a long way to go in my mastery of myself but I was permitted to feast with everyone today. This is the first time since I have been here. Previously they hoped that I would feel more compelled to learn Samadhi if I was denied all of the things a child would still enjoy. I have surprised them at every turn.

I got to see Little Sister today. It still amazes me how much she has grown and how far she has come. We had a long visit during the feast. She told me that she was going to be released soon. She had almost completed her training. This is when I found out she had never been discovered by the men of ORB. Her family realized what was happening to her and sent her away. One of the Keepers had found her. That is how she got in with the group that came here with me. She told me it had been her loneliness and rejection by her family that had made her so weak in the desert. That is why I had become her focus. I was the first to accept her just as she was and love her anyway.

After all of the deep discussion we both agreed it was time for some fun. We got into such mischief. For the first time since arriving here we both got to be less than adults for one night.

For one last time she lay with me to protect and guide her. The Masters would be furious if they knew she stayed in my quarters. They don’t put me to sleep anymore but I am still separate from the others. But Little Sister is unafraid. She says she knows I would never harm her. And, after tonight, she doesn’t know when she will be loved again. So tonight, I am the stronger one once more and hold her as a child one last time. Tonight we can both be loved. It might be the last time we ever see each other. And over the years we have seen each other too little. Once more we are adrift in the desert, looking for an oasis. (In between these pages is a lock of Little Sister’s hair)

Year of the Sun 1229 Bounty 20

The night passed all too quickly. Little Sister had to sneak away before dawn to avoid being caught in my quarters. But, for that one night she was a little girl again, cuddled against me in the desert. She rested with her head against my heart the whole night. Her hair smelled sweet, of the flowers that grow around the oases in the desert. I know those flowers will always remind me of her for the rest of my life. She was the first to show me love since I left home as well as I to her. (Pressed between these pages is one of the flowers she speaks of. It has been perfectly preserved)

Year of the Sun 1230 Fidelity 20

It’s my birthday again. I turn 19 today. Master Laughing Crane has requested special permission from the Chapel to go outside the walls of Haven with me. He thinks it will help me with my training. I don’t know what arguments he made but they have given their permission.

It has been over five years since I was last outside the walls of Haven. It feels like a lifetime ago now. I didn’t realize then how beautiful the desert could be. I was just trying to survive. Master Laughing Crane has taken me to an oasis. I didn’t come to this one on the way here. It is one days’ ride out from the walls. The water is so clear. This is a large oasis. The biggest I have seen so far.

Master Laughing Crane says the training begins in the morning. I am eager to find out what he has in mind this time. His training has been very different from all of the other masters.

Year of the Sun 1230 Prosperity 19

We have been out here for one month. We return to Haven at dawn. Master Laughing Crane has taught me some of the secrets to survival out here. With and without the oases. It has been a very interesting learning experience.

He has also taught me how to focus and find Samadhi outside of the Chapels quiet halls. He felt I needed to learn it in an environment more like the one I would continue to exist in. I think he is right. I have made much improvement over this month. I almost wish we weren’t returning to the Chapel. But Master says I need more time and the Chapel is the only place to find what I need.

Year of the Sun 1234 Fidelity 20

It has been four years since Master Laughing Crane first took me out of Haven to train. They have been long arduous years. So many things have been made clear and my Power has become a blessing. It has been ten years since first I left my home. Most of those years have been spent here at Haven and in the desert sands that surround it.

I never thought my training would be done. But it is and I have learned a measure of control I never thought I would find in my world after my Power found me. The things I have learned here and the knowledge I have gained makes me feel almost invincible. I go into the world a truly transformed woman. The last ten years have been the hardest of my life. Master Laughing Crane says there are many more trials to come. But he reminded me that in every desert there is an oasis. While I may walk in the endless sands for all of the days that remain to me, there will always be an oasis, a Haven to go to. And there will be oases I will find that I did not expect. He warns me not to close my eyes and my heart to those that extend their hands to me. Even people can be a Haven. His only warning is to remind me that if I am discovered I will be hunted and condemned. I most be wary of who I trust with the knowledge of what I am.

It seems so strange to me that he tells me to trust but not to trust. It makes it hard to know what to do. I suppose I will know when the time is upon me.

So, now he sends me out into the world, more a father today then a Master. I have spent more hours with him then I ever I did with my father. He has surely formed me as much as any parent has ever formed a child. He is what I will miss the most. For me he is Haven and the Chapel.

As any good father would do, Master Laughing Crane has arranged for an education that would allow me to survive and still protect my secrets. He said he thought it would be valuable to learn from a prominent family who would accept my Power. He told me I would learn the finer points of diplomacy and perception.