PERSONAL NOTES:Return to Haven

<accesscontrol>Baelwren</accesscontrol>

Return To Haven

Year of the Sun 1336 Spindle ??

I no longer am sure of the date. Time has seemed strange since I met the companions. But now I find myself once again in Haven. I have returned to the place I always thought would be my home. I knew that one day I would come here when there was no where left for me. And now I have given my key to the path I follow. It changes so much now. What will become of me when this is over? I know I may find a way to get another key but I can’t be certain.

And so much has changed. The Al’Hamzah no longer have a Father, they have a Mother. I never thought that would happen. I meet with her tomorrow. Then I can find out if I have any money left or not and how I stand with the Family. The city has grown. It’s amazing to me. This place always seemed ageless and timeless to me. To see it prospering opens the eyes.

I went to the Lusty Nymph tonight to get cleansed from head to toe. I almost forgot the joy of being cleaned and oiled by the hands of others. It has been many years. I haven’t allowed anyone to do that since the last time I had it done here. The Madam remembered me. She was one of the girls then. I’m glad to see she has excelled. I liked her.

I am nervous about my meeting with the Mother tomorrow. For the first time I wished the Family had been longer lived. There is probably no one left who knew me or what I did. Not that it was that great a task but I know it was valued. And it has been a long time since I sent any information or offered anything at all. I hope the business deal I have to propose about the Desert Beetle Inn gains me some favor. I hate to be empty handed when coming to the Family. I haven’t done that since my first day with them. There are so many things I haven’t done in a long time. And now I have to face so much.

And all of us are changing. Except for maybe Kimo. Regina is coming more into her own and has become unbelievably self absorbed. It’s hard to believe in a group like this. Perrin has been extremely altered by his near death experience. I’m still not sure that he is completely alive. And poor Nigel. He is so torn but he has become a staunch friend. We even planned a little prank against Regina together. His order and his faith trouble him and only ORB knows what else. But, I try to be here for him and give what advice and information I can.

And then there is Jericho. He is no longer the singing, happy cleric I first met. He has a troubled mind and it concerns me greatly. I don’t think he confides in anyone and it’s not good. His burden could be eased if only he would share it. I know Kimo and Nigel would help in what ways they can. And I, of course, would help if he would let me. Not all paths must be walked alone, in-fact very few do. And yet, I am as compelled as ever to follow him.

I still watch him as closely as ever. He no longer seeks out women when we are in town. Once, when I was pretending to be seeking companionship, he offered himself. He still was going after the women then. If I had courage I would call him out on that now. I don’t know the timing down to the day but it has been almost 60 years since I last gave myself. Not since Darion. Being here in Haven makes me want things.

Here there is no fear of discovery. I have learned things about my Power and it can be wondrous if permitted to be unleashed. I don’t think it would be safe to do anywhere but in Haven. I want it to be with someone who doesn’t fear me, who won’t flinch from the Power in me and the Light that comes with it. But I am a coward. I am unwilling to find a stranger and fearful of rejection of those known to me.

Of course, there is always Kimo. I wouldn’t scare him and he has implied things since the night he watched over me because of that Thing. If he had only known that’s the closest I’ve been to a man in all this time, he might have tried his luck. I’m still flesh and blood after all. Regardless, a woman is entitled to her thoughts and dreams and the man can be whomever I choose in the recesses of my mind.

And then, there are the changes in me. I have continued to learn the ways of ORB from Jericho. I still confess and seek answers. I still look for acceptance in his eyes. But I have come to realize I am not ORBs. ORB is a sad and hurt deity and I will always believe in HIM. But there is a woman’s voice tangled in my Power. Whoever she is, she claims me. For now I follow ORB and accept his dominion and have faith, but I know there is something else out there for me. ORB forgive me.

Year of the Sun 1336 Spindle 29

I feel as though I have been trying to live a lifetime in just a few short days. Jericho and I have finally admitted our love for each other. It feels like the stars have been put back into the sky. For the first time I feel like I know my place in the world.

I have spent the years since my 13th birthday having a vague understanding of what my life was to be. My path was before me even if I couldn’t always see it. My time at the Temple with Master Laughing Crane placed me firmly on the road even though there was no map. Nothing else in my life was known to me.

For one brief night I knew real passion. Then I turned my heart away from love for the next hundred years. There were a few men over the years but always nothing lasting. The companionship a new with Darion was pleasant and I cared for him but he was human. He couldn’t understand the years that stretched before me or the Power in me. Since him there has been no one to tempt me away from my fear.

And now I spend my nights looking at what I once thought could only be a dream. I lie beside Jericho and watch him as he drifts into slumber each night. Unwilling to meditate until he is no longer awake. I don’t want to miss any moments the Gods have granted us. I’ve already missed too many things in my life.

I know the time we have may be short. Either one or both of our lives could be sacrificed to the quest we are on. It is a price I am willing to pay. But I am no longer willing to sacrifice my joy. I want to live each day to its fullest. No matter how dark that day may be or how filled with pain and death. Even if the only joy I can find is to look my lover in his eyes I want that. I once wrote that not all paths have to be walked alone. I don’t want to walk alone any more.

Now I have a path and a companion, a love worth fighting for. And HER light to guide me. As long as I am true I feel that no path is truly dark. For so long now I have felt HER and heard HER. The unseen mother, come to lead me home. I don’t understand all of it yet but I am open to HER and wait for HER command. I still believe in ORB and I know the other Gods are still out there. He saved me once but I feel HE has always known I wasn’t his. And for that, I must be grateful. For his followers gave me the ability to live.

I don’t know where this path will ultimately lead but I go willingly. I hope the journey ends the way we all want it to. I will glory in HER light and bask in Jericho’s love for as long as I can along the way. May the Gods lead us true and leave us whole at the end.